This past weekend was Keith and mine wedding anniversary – it would have been 17 yrs – that in itself blows my mind…..17 yrs – WOW!)
On this day every year, I reflect back to the day and our life together. Our wedding day was amazing. Being surrounded by friends and family and the beautiful Rocky Mountains always makes my heart warm. We had the northern lights come out that night and I remember someone saying that was good luck. I think about that statement often. Early in my grief I couldn’t see the luck, now I can. Keith was and always will be a true gift to me. He has taught me more than anyone else I know. Even in his death, he continues to teach me about life and love.
Each year this day is honored and remembered differently. Sometimes my grief takes me by surprise, sometimes it is ok and one year I even forgot – which brought on a whole set of emotions when I remembered!! This year was a quiet year for me – peaceful perhaps.
Last night my Dad called. In our conversation he said that he was thinking of me on my anniversary (Mom too!) It was only then that I had a tear come to my eye. He asked me if anyone else had acknowledged the day. This year no one did. Some years my sister-in-law does and my grief buddies usually send hugs, but this year, none. My Dad’s comment to this was “I guess it is becoming history.”
I have to say that his comment ruffled my feathers. Yes, time is passing and things are changing….people are forgetting the important days. Hey – I get it – like I said, I even forgot one year.
But is it history? How can such a special day –a day that unites two people in love, a day that begins a whole new life together, a day that changed me – how can that be history? But I guess it is. History is your past, it is what makes you you. It was the beginning of a beautiful chapter in my life.
As I sit here and type, I am really trying to figure out why my feathers are so ruffled. I believe our grief journey is all about changing the relationship we have with the person who died. We need to find a way to honor them, their live, our time together and to build a new healthy relationship with them now that they are not physically present in our lives. Not an easy process by any means.
I carry Keith with me. I always will. I want him to be remembered and never forgotten. I want his children to know who he was –what made him special and how much he loved them. But I am at peace with my life without him. I am proud of the life I have created for me and my children.
So why am I so ruffled? I think it is ultimately about the word “history”. It sounds final, completed, the past – which it is.
It is now a few hours later as I finish this blog. I have had time to reflect some more and I have also had time to let the day’s events become a part of this blog.
I am reminded that grief is a journey – a never ending journey. It continues to amaze me how things, actions, words, and influences in my daily life continue to impact my grief. There is just so much to be learned from this journey. But as the day has passed, I am reminded to live in the moment. Count my blessings and have an attitude of gratitude. I often share with others that we must make decisions on where and how we want to spend our energy for the day. Did I want to spend the day ruminating on the choice of word my father used (knowing that he used the word with zero intent to ruffle me!) or did I want to spend my energy being grateful for where I am today? This became evidently clear when my son came home and shared some tragic events of his day.
So instead of getting hung up over a word and spending energy on that, I am going to get hung up and focus my energy on my most amazing children and tell them and show them how much I love them.
Life is short. We need to make the most of it.